When Miracles Still Happen

Sacred Sorrows welcomes back "Meags," contributing writer. Meagen Winter resides in Arizona with her husband, Paul, her dog Cooper, and her service dog, Tango. She's a recently retired school counselor and a lover of all souls. Meagen is the mother of Maria, who went to heaven in May 2020, and her four surviving children Nicholas, Andrew, Claire, and Katelyn. She finds great joy in her young grandchildren Olivia and Charlotte.

The death of our children is always unexpected. Who imagines their child not outliving them? Even knowing it happens, it feels unthinkable.

The suddenness of death does not mean there weren’t opportunities to pray for miracles. Every time I thought of Maria in my womb, I was praying for miracles. In fact, before her conception, I had been praying for a miracle.

When I slip and begin to ruminate—asking why, why now, dwelling on what ifs and if onlys—I try to remember that miracles did happen. Some I could see. Many I could not.

Maria touched me in countless ways. The tough love and the grace she offered gave me strength again and again.

How many miracles does anyone truly experience throughout their life? Perhaps millions or just one. I know Maria is still capable of teaching me, of being with me, of shining as God’s reflective light.

Throughout her life, even in the face of traumas and struggles—but most especially through her kindness and empathy—Maria was a teacher, a friend, and a bringer of light. And now, even more than before, she can still be these things.

I stand on my faith. I believe in heaven. I rely on the everyday saints—not only the canonized ones—and I  can feel they are always working for us. Maria is doing great work now.

Her work may come through our memories, or through the stories we share. On earth, she was an ear for those who had no one to talk to. She can still be that empathetic ear, carrying prayers and requests to God.

 When I move toward God, I move toward her.  That doesn’t mean I don’t miss her; my heart still aches. 

I  step back and let my daughter do her work as a mother does, embracing the truth that she is doing well.