If losing your son or daughter or grandchild made you lose your faith (perhaps you're wondering: “whatever that is”), take heart. A real faith awaits you. I mean it. The kind of hard-won faith that cannot be shaken is now your sought after pearl-of-great-price, inviting you to take hold of it through the hands of a strange bedfellow named Doubt.
Unlike the false lovers of a thousand idols, your new companion Doubt is the true harbinger of faith. The capital F kind of Faith. Indeed, the only way to the kind of authenticity in which you can claim that "you know that you know that you know," is through the darkness of Doubt.
I may be reading your mind as I type these words:
“Great. Just great. Another thing I have to deal with… I didn’t ask for this."
No, you certainly didn’t. You certainly didn’t want to be this when you grew up. You didn't think you'd ever lose a son or daughter or grandchild. You didn’t buy this ticket to trek The Tumultuous Transformation Trail. But here you are anyway my friend. I’m so sorry, so so sorry. Please try not to be afraid. This thing called Faith, they say, can move mountains. And this new journey alongside the darkness of Doubt will not, not ever, be darker than what you have already experienced when you were plunged into the abyss of despair brought by the loss of your dearly beloved son, daughter or grandchild.
Your journey with Doubt will be a play date in comparison to that horror.
Doubt will lead you to the depth of your own capital F faith. As the godfather of conviction, Doubt will stir your desire to know things and will cause you to question things. The purpose behind these questions, of course, is to initiate the Quest. Which will, naturally, lead to getting your heart to believe what your mind cannot explain. It will take time, space, and an opening of your heart, a sometimes painful opening of your heart.
But that’s the pearl, my friend. That’s the juice. That’s the Faith.
Your lost beloved one IS fine now, IS in the arms of Pure Love. IS enmeshed in an unimaginable Goodness and IS in the Deepest Beauty. There is NO such thing as regret or guilt there. NO reasons to hold on to the chains that may be weighing you down. NO room for (or any mili-thought of) the baggage you’ve overstuffed and continue to pack on and carry.
Let it go now. Really. It’s time.
Do you doubt this? If so, you’re in the good company of your fellow travelers. And wherever you are on this trail, you’re exactly where you are supposed to be. Don’t roll your eyes now, please. You probably hear that a lot, but it’s like... actually...true.
You may be, like Don Quixote, tilting at windmills. You may be, like Thomas the Apostle, stubborn toward the non-material. You may be, like Moses, skittish toward the burning bush. You may be, indeed.
That said, like all of them, you have your own walk to walk.
It’s Holy Ground.
(originally posted on July 22, 2021)
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