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Crying on repeat

Updated: Dec 26, 2022

I had been minding my own business last week, doing the dishes, only slightly acknowledging the lump in my throat that had been working to bring itself to my awareness.

Then I started surface-skimming through memories of the past 4th of July holidays and summertime moments. Annual family gatherings at my aunt and uncle's lake house, fishing, boating, fireworks, lots of laughter, tons of love, and the joyful spirit of my son Chad alive.

An idea arose:

Alexa, play “Walk” by the Foo Fighters. (It was his favorite song.)

A million miles away, your signal in the distance

Yes, you’re a million miles away Chad...

I think I lost my way

Yep, you definitely did...

Learning to walk again, learning to talk again

Alexa, repeat... (and the tears flow).

Do you remember the days we built these paper mountains?

I do, I remember your sweet childhood...

I think I found my place, I believe I’ve waited long enough

Alexa, repeat... (and the tears keep flowing).

I never wanna die, I never wanna leave, I’ll never say goodbye

But you did die, buddy, you did leave, and you didn’t say goodbye.

Wait - you didn't REALLY die - in the big picture. You’re fully alive, just not here.

I believe I’ve waited long enough. Where do I begin?

Alexa, repeat. Alexa, repeat continuously... (as I wonder if one can really cry a river).

I think I found my place; can’t you feel it growing stronger?

I don't know. Sometimes. Maybe.


90 minutes later…

Alexa, play Three Little Birds by Bob Marley.

Every little thing is gonna be alright.

Alexa, repeat.

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1 Comment

Lani Bogart
Lani Bogart
Jul 26, 2022


I love the way you allow the happy memories and music of your son to wash over you along with the tears. It seems so good and healthy.

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